


Life Support

by Sugaandspice



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Advice, Amusement Parks, Anal Sex, Anger, Angst, Birthday, Boys In Love, Cemetery, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Dinosaurs, Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Friendship/Love, Heartache, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, M/M, Memories, Oral Sex, Out of Character Tsukishima Kei, Pain, Sad, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Sleepy Kisses, Smut, Stuffed Toys, Sugamama, Talking To Dead People, Tears, Wakes & Funerals, Walks On The Beach, dadchi, dinosaur movies, heartbroken, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-05-30 05:46:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6411175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugaandspice/pseuds/Sugaandspice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm sorry for what's about to happen.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Farewell

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for what's about to happen.

            It was Sunday morning and Tsukishima Kei sat in the front row of the crowded church. He started at the current colored carpet, swallowing back his tears. He wouldn’t cry here. He couldn’t cry here. He hadn’t been to a church in a long time, much less a funeral, and he had no idea how long this would last. People were all around him and he hated it. He wanted to be back at home in the comfort of his own room curled up under his duvet and hidden away from the world.

            He was still in shock. He had seen the body but was still unwilling to admit that it had happened. It couldn’t have happened. There was _no fucking way_ it happened. He felt someone nudge him and he looked up to see his older brother staring at him. He motioned with his head to get up and Tsukishima shook his head. Akiteru nodded and Tsukishima sighed. He knew he had to do this.

            Tsukishima stood up slowly, his entire body shaking as he walked to the pulpit. His knees were knocking together and his legs felt like there were going to give out. Tsukishima took a deep breath and looked out at everyone in attendance. His parents and brother were sat next to the Yamaguchi’s in the front. Two rows back were Kageyama and Hinata; Hinata’s big brown eyes were red and puffy and even Kageyama’s eyes seemed to be glossed over. On the other side Sugawara was crying into Daichi’s chest. The dark haired boy rubbed his back gently, doing his best to calm him down.

            Asahi was sitting next to them, seeming twice as anxious as he normally was. Nishinoya and Tanaka were next to Asahi, their usual aura of happiness having completely dissipated into the tense atmosphere. Even Nishinoya’s hair was flat, instead of spiked, as if it was mourning with everyone else and Tanaka’s skin seemed to have lost all color. Kiyoko and Yachi were sitting behind him, tears streaming down both of their faces.

            Ennoshita, Narita, and Kinoshita all sat together a few rows over; none of them appeared to have been crying, but anyone could tell they were just as effected as everyone else. Takeda and Ukai sat together; neither of them had moved a single muscle since they sat down earlier that morning. Kenma, Kuroo, Iwaizumi, and Oikawa were sitting in the very back. For the first time since Tsukishima had met either of them, Kenma was not looking at his phone and even Oikawa seemed to be upset.

            He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there, but everyone seemed to be staring at him and waiting for him to speak. He still wasn’t sure what to say as the more he thought about all of this the more unreal that it all seemed. If he was honest, he was still hoping it was only some horrendous nightmare that he was going to be woken up from when his alarm when off to tell him to get up for school.

            Though no matter how much he hoped and prayed and whished, that wouldn’t happen. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. Yamaguchi Tadashi was dead and there was nothing he could do about it.

            Tsukishima cleared his throat then took a deep breath before speaking.

            “We’re here today… to celebrate the life of Yamaguchi Tadashi. Son, grandson, friend, everyone’s favorite pinch server.”

            Everyone laughed, but Tsukishima wasn’t trying to be funny. Yamaguchi really was loved by everyone. Sure he had messed up a few times, but so had everyone else. It didn’t make any of them less valuable to the team. In Tsukishima’s opinion, it wasn’t Kageyama, Hinata, or the combination of the two that was the team’s most valuable player. It was Yamaguchi. He had helped them win against Aoba Josai and get to the finals. That’s something they couldn’t have done without him.

            “But most importantly…” Tsukishima began. “He was my best friend. I’m sure it’s no shock to anyone here but I’ve never had an easy time making friends or talking to people. Yamaguchi never really cared though. We met back in grade school… he had been pushed to the ground by a couple of other kids and I saw them as I was walking by. I called them pathetic and they stared at me and ran away. I never understood why other kids were scared of me.”

            Everyone laughed again, but he still wasn’t joking. Tsukishima knew he wasn’t the nicest person in the world, but he never thought he was even remotely close to scary.

            “I guess that would explain why no one ever picked on me though. I’m tall and I always have been. I was much taller than anyone else in my grade. That’s never what got me though. What got me, what I never understood, was why people picked on Yamaguchi to begin with. Yeah, he was small, but aren’t nine year olds supposed to be anyways? He was skinny, but  if he weren’t then the ridicule would have been even worse. He was quiet and shy, but since when is that ever a bad thing?”

            Tsukishima sighed. He was getting angry and completely off topic.

            “Yamaguchi, without a doubt, is the kindest person that I have ever met. He was shy so it didn’t always show but he had a big heart. You might take this as a surprise, but I have never liked to be alone and he was always there for me. In fact, I think the only place I ever went without Yamaguchi was home and most the time he even followed me there. I never complained though. I never wanted to. I loved having him around and I wish he still was.”

            Tsukishima tried to let out a breath and instead started coughing. He choked bad a sob and looked down, trying to ignore everyone else in the church.

            “I love him so much.” Tsukishima choked out. “But now my best friend is gone and I can’t fucking breathe.”

            He let out another sob and Akiteru got up and walked up to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder before leading him back down to the seat. Tsukishima had wanted to speak more, he wanted to talk about how Yamaguchi had helped him, how he dreamed so much bigger than anyone thought, but he could barely even speak so he sat down and did his best to stop crying.

            Tsukishima did his best to listen to everyone else as they spoke, he couldn’t bear to hear other people speak about Yamaguchi like they did. He knew Yamaguchi knew a lot of people, many of which he didn’t know himself, but he also knew that he was and had always been Yamaguchi’s best friend. No one knew Yamaguchi better than he did and hearing everyone else say things about him and pretend like they were the best of friends made him feel sick.

            The service ended and Tsukishima got up, following Mr. and Mrs. Yamaguchi out of the church sanctuary. They stood there, shaking hands with everyone who exited. Sugawara walked out, holding a tissue in one hand and clutching onto Daichi with the other. He didn’t hesitate to step towards Tsukishima and hug him tightly. Tsukishima tensed then relaxed and slowly wrapped his arms back around Suga.

            “I’m so sorry…” Suga said softly.

            He pulled away and looked up at the blonde. For once, he wasn’t sure what to say. Even Sugawara could never find the words to comfort someone in a situation like this. He was just as surprised as everyone else was. Suga always encouraged positivity and optimism but he had been crying almost the entire time since he got the news that Yamaguchi had passed away.

            “Yamaguchi was a good guy… he was so kind…”

            Tsukishima only nodded. He didn’t want to speak anymore. He just wanted to get away from everything and everyone and to just stop feeling so fucking empty.

            “He… I’m so sorry, Tsukishima…”

            Daichi took Suga’s hand again and smiled sympathetically up at Tsukishima.

            “Let us know if you need anything, alright?” Daichi told him.

            Tsukishima nodded and the couple left then others walked up in their place. Tsukishima said nothing, his heart could barely handle everything as it was and he knew if he spoke them then he would break down again and this time he might not be able to stop.

            “Tsukishima…”

            He looked up and was met with the compassionate of Asahi.

            “I’m really sorry this happened. I know you two were close.” He spoke quietly as if he was scared Tsukishima would break if he spoke any louder. “We’re all really going to miss him…”

            Tsukishima wanted to scream. He knew Asahi was being nice and yeah, he was sure the rest of the team was going to miss Yamaguchi too, but hardly anyone even spoke to him when he was alive. Tsukishima spent almost every waking moment with him, they knew each other’s hopes and dreams and secrets and now he was gone. No one was going to miss Yamaguchi more than he was. No one was going to hurt more than he was. Yamaguchi was his best friend and now he’s gone and Tsukishima has to pretend like he’s okay when in reality he’s not. He’s very far from it.

            After the last guest had left the church, Tsukishima exhaled loudly. He turned look at Mrs. Yamaguchi, her eyes were red and puffy and he knew this wasn’t any easier on her than it was on him. Mr. Yamaguchi held her close and she pulled away to give Tsukishima a hug. He had always been close to the whole Yamaguchi family; it had been awkward at first because Tsukishima wasn’t good with people, but Mrs. Yamaguchi was always so sweet and Mr. Yamaguchi always told them funny jokes and Tsukishima quickly warmed up to them and the Yamaguchi house soon became his home away from home.

            “I’m sorry…” Tsukishima said softly.

            “Oh honey…” she said softly. “We’re sorry. I know Tadashi meant a lot to you.”

            “He still does.” Tsukishima said. “He was really the only friend that I had… He was my best friend.”

            “I know, Kei…” she said softly.

            He sighed again and stepped back.

            “Can I… can I go through his things?” Tsukishima asked. “If you’re going to… Can I be there?”

            “Of course, Kei.” Mrs. Yamaguchi said. “I think it would be better for the both of us.”

            Tsukishima nodded and hugged her again.

            “I think I’m just going to go home now though.” he said. “I want some time to myself.”

            “That’s understandable. We’re here if you need us though, alright?”

            Tsukishima nodded.

            “Thanks, Mrs. Yamaguchi.”

            He hugged her again and left the church, slowly walking to the car where his family was waiting for him. He slid into the backseat next to Akiteru and grabbed his headphones, slipping them on and plugging them into his phone. He hit _Yamaguchi’s Playlist_ and waited for the song to start. A while back he had made a playlist full of songs that either reminded him of Yamaguchi or that Yamaguchi liked and for some reason he chose to torture himself with that.

            _Photograph_ by Ed Sheeran came on, causing Tsukishima to sigh. This had always been one of Yamaguchi’s favorite songs and skipping it almost seemed like betrayal. He leaned back and closed his eyes, letting the lyrics synch in. He wasn’t happy and it made his heart ache more than anything else ever has, but realized years ago he would do anything for Yamaguchi so that’s exactly what he was doing.


	2. I Dream About You

When they arrived back home Tsukishima went straight to his room. He hadn’t spoken to anyone since he left the church and his family knew better than to talk to him. Akiteru tried anyways, but Tsukishima only ignored him. He was in pain and no one seemed to understand that. He didn’t want people to try to feed him or ask him if he was okay; his best friend just died so obviously he isn’t okay. He didn’t want to talk about how much he loved Yamaguchi or how awful it was that he didn’t even live to see sixteen years old. All Tsukishima wanted was to be left alone so he could mourn in peace.

            Tsukishima knew his bedroom was probably the worst place that he could be, only second to Yamaguchi’s bedroom, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go and his bed was the most comforting place he knew of right now. Tsukishima laid down, music still blasting in his ears. He put his hand over his heart and rubbed his chest gently; his heart ached so much he began to wonder if it was still even beating at all. It still was and Tsukishima had to admit that he was a little disappointed. If it hadn’t been then at least he would be back with Yamaguchi.

            He sighed heavily, and stared up at the ceiling. He wished he could take Yamaguchi’s place. He may have been Yamaguchi’s best friend, but he also knew that Yamaguchi had other friends. He would easily be able to get over Tsukishima’s death as opposed to Tsukishima who had no other friends. It didn’t help that Tsukishima had recently come to terms with the fact that he had fallen in love with his best friend. He had no plans to tell Yamaguchi any time soon, but he also never expected to lose him so suddenly.

            Tsukishima felt tears pricking at his eyes again. He grabbed the pillow next to him and hugged it tightly. It still smelled like Yamaguchi’s strawberry shampoo from when he stayed over two nights ago. It made Tsukishima’s heart ache more yet also relieved some of the pain and comforted him; it was _almost_ as if Yamaguchi was still there and in a small way, he was. Tsukishima wasn’t sure what he was going to do when the scent wore off and he wasn’t looking forward to finding out. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, letting his mind drift off to the last conversation that they had.

            _“Hey Tsukki…”_

_“Yeah, Yama?”_

_“Have you thought about our future?” Yamaguchi realized what he said and turned a dark shade of red. “I mean the future in general.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“What do you think will happen?”_

_Tsukishima shrugged._

_“I just want out of here. I want to move away.”_

_“Where to?”_

_“I don’t know. I just want to leave. I would be happy if I never saw anyone here ever again.” He paused. “Except you. I’d bring you with me.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled, his face still flushed._

_“I’d like to live near the river.” He said. “Sometimes life goes by so quickly and I feel like I’m missing out. I like to fall asleep when I can still hear it going on around me.”_

_“I feel like that would make you have to piss all the time.”_

_Yamaguchi chuckled._

_“Maybe.”_

_“Is that why it’s so hard to wake you up?”_

_“Kind of.” Yamaguchi said. “I just like to sleep, but it’s also because of that. Sometimes I just like my dreams too much to wake up.”_

_Tsukishima rolled his eyes._

_“You would think someone who doesn’t want to miss out on life would get up.”_

_Yamaguchi giggled._

_“I’m a complex person.”_

_“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”_

_“Sorry, Tsukki.”_

_Yamaguchi grinned, causing Tsukishima to crack a smile as well. He sighed softly and closed his History book. He leaned back on Yamaguchi’s bed and turned his head, glancing at his friend. Yamaguchi scrunched up his nose for a minute then beamed before scribbling something onto his paper. Tsukishima laughed and Yamaguchi blushed._

_“What?” He asked, turning to look at the blonde._

_“Nothing, that was just kinda cute.”_

_“What was?”_

_Yamaguchi’s blush darkened and Tsukishima shook his head._

_“Nothing.”_

_“You’re mean.”_

_“I’m mean?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Tsukishima rolled his eyes and shoved Yamaguchi gently. He laughed and dramatically fell onto the floor._

_“See, mean.”_

_Tsukishima laughed._

_“Get up, you dork.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled and sat up. Tsukishima took out his phone and Yamaguchi leaned over onto his shoulder._

_“Whatcha doing?”_

_“Sitting and breathing.”_

_“Smartass.”_

_Yamaguchi pushed Tsukishima’s hands out of the way and took his phone. He pulled up the camera and took a few pictures of them then handed it back._

_“Don’t delete those.”_

_“I never do.”_

_“Really?”_

_Tsukishima went to his pictures and showed Yamaguchi a phone. He had an album titled “Yamaguchi” with nearly a thousand pictures that Yamaguchi had taken using his phone._

_“Wow, that’s a lot.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Sorry.”_

_“It’s okay.”_

_The boys grew quiet again, Yamaguchi’s head resting gently on Tsukishima’s shoulder. Tsukishima didn’t bother shaking him off, he liked being close to Yamaguchi and found comfort in touching in the most innocent ways._

_“Hey Tsukki.”_

_“Yes, Yama?”_

_“What if you only had twenty four hours to live? What would you do?”_

_Tsukishima’s first thought was to reply with “Tell you that I love you” but he wasn’t so sure that would go over well._

_“Well…” Tsukishima said. “I’d probably just spend the whole day with you. You’re my best friend and I don’t really care about anyone else anyways.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled._

_“Me too.” He said._

_Tsukishima looked at the time and I sighed._

_“I’ve gotta get home now so my mom doesn’t yell at me.”_

_He began to pack everything up, fully aware that Yamaguchi was staring at him. Tsukishima stood up, Yamaguchi following suit. He swung his bag over his shoulder and looked at Yamaguchi, his eyes shining bright._

_“Why are you staring at me like that?”_

_Yamaguchi started to speak but then stopped, shaking his head and smiling instead._

_“You’re my best friend.”_

_“I know, Yams, you’re mine too.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled and hugged Tsukishima tightly. Tsukishima tensed up at first and then relaxed, wrapping and arm around Yamaguchi and returning the embrace._

_“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” Yamaguchi asked._

_“Of course. You always do.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled and they said goodbye then Tsukishima made his way downstairs. He left the house and made his way back home, smiling slightly to himself. He loved Yamaguchi a lot and he was so grateful to have his French Fry loving, freckle faced best friend._

Tears ran down Tsukishima’s cheeks and loud sobs escaped his lips. He hurt so badly. He wished he could just rewind time and prevent it somehow. He wished he could tell Yamaguchi that he loved him, that he was in love with him. He wanted to grab him and kiss him, he wanted to hold him and never let go of him. He hugged the pillow tightly, trying his best to ignore the stabbing pain in his heart.

            “I love you, you stupid dork.” Tsukishima muttered. “You stupid floppy French fry loving dork.”

            His body was shaking and he felt like he was going to throw up. He had never wanted Yamaguchi with him so badly. Even when he went to America on vacation with his family and he got sunburned and had to spend three whole days alone in his hotel room; he wanted Yamaguchi around then but his  heart didn’t ache for him to be near anywhere close to the amount that it ache for him now.

            “Stupid Tadashi.” Tsukishima muttered. “Stupid Tadashi with your stupid freckles and your stupid cute nose and your stupid… stupid.”

            Tsukishima wasn’t sure who he was talking to or if he was even talking to anyone in particular, he just really wanted, he really needed, to get out all of his emotions.

            “Stupid, stupid Yamaguchi!” Tsukishima yelled. “Why did you have to go? I fucking love you, you idiot!”

            He sobbed loudly, tears streaming down his face like waterfalls until his body gave up and he passed out from exhaustion.

            _“You’ll never catch me!” Yamaguchi took off running towards the ocean and Tsukishima had only just gotten out of the car._

_“Yamaguchi, slow down!” Tsukishima called._

_Yamaguchi could be quite clumsy and Tsukishima was scared he was going to end up falling and hurting himself. Their vacation had only just started and he didn’t want it to be ruined because his boyfriend can be a little dense in the head. He pushed his glasses up and grabbed their beach bag before making his way after Yamaguchi. He kept a close eye on him, making sure nothing was going to get in Yamaguchi’s way and cause him to fall. Tsukishima found a nice spot and set their back down. Before he had the chance to do anything else he heard a loud yelp and his head snapped up to see Yamaguchi on the ground. Tsukishima sighed and walked over to him._

_“What did I tell you about running?”_

_“But I was careful!”_

_“Obviously not if you fell.”_

_Yamaguchi pouted and took Tsukishima’s hand to stand up. They walked back over to their bag and Tsukishima took out a towel and brushed off the sand._

_“You’re such a mess.” He muttered._

_Yamaguchi crossed his arms and pouted._

_“I am not.”_

_Tsukishima kissed Yamaguchi’s forehead._

_“You are, but it’s okay.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled and looked up at Tsukishima._

_“Can we go for a walk?” he asked._

_“Do you ever relax?”_

_“Come on, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi urged. “We’ve been in the car all day.”_

_“I know and I’m tired from driving. I want to relax.”_

_“We have all week to relax! Vacation just started.”_

_“Exactly, so sit down and relax and we’ll take a walk tomorrow.”_

_Yamaguchi pouted._

_“But I wanna go now.”_

_“Alright, alright.” Tsukishima muttered._

_He stood up and Yamaguchi grinned. He took off running again and Tsukishima sighed._

_“Yamaguchi!”_

_The smaller boy froze and looked up at Tsukishima guiltily._

_“Sorry.”_

_“I’m just looking out for you. You already fell once today.”_

_“I know.”_

_They started walking again and Tsukishima reached over and took Yamaguchi’s hand. He was never one for public displays of affection, but holding hands always made Yamaguchi happy and they were on vacation so he decided to put up with it._

_“Tsukki?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“You—” he stopped. “Um…”_

_“What is it, Yama?”_

_“Have you ever thought about where we’ll be in the future?”_

_“You mean like together?”_

_“No, just in general. Where do you think you’ll be?”_

_Tsukishima shrugged._

_“Well, we’re almost finished with university.” He said. “So hopefully I can quickly find a job in the sciences somewhere. We—”_

_“We?” Yamaguchi asked._

_“Well yeah. I just always assumed that you’d go wherever I go…”_

_“Why?”_

_“Well…”_

_Tsukishima paused. He was always really bad when it came to words and expressing his feelings so he wasn’t entirely sure how he was going to get out exactly what he wanted to say without sounding like a total douche._

_“I just…” Tsukishima started. “We’ve been friends for so long and you’re my best friend too and just… you’ve gone wherever I have. The same junior high and the same high school and the same university… and we’ve been together for about five years now and I don’t really want to change that. I want you to stay with me.”_

_“Really?”_

_Tsukishima nodded._

_“Do you not want to?” He asked._

_“No, I do.” Yamaguchi replied. “I just always assumed that you would ditch me once we graduated.”_

_“What? I would never! I love you.”_

_Yamaguchi gasped and Tsukishima’s eyes grew wide. He knew they had been dating for a long time but he had never actually told Yamaguchi that he loved him. The thought of doing so always terrified him as he feared that Yamaguchi wouldn’t say it back and it would leave that open and awkward air between them that would eventually lead to the demise of their relationship. Tsukishima didn’t want that so he just never said he loved Yamaguchi._

_“Tsukki…”_

_“I… um… shit.”_

_Yamaguchi giggled and gave Tsukishima hand a soft squeeze._

_“Do you really?” he asked. “Do you really love me?”_

_Tsukishima hesitated and then nodded. Yamaguchi stopped walking and Tsukishima braced himself for the breakup._

_“Look, I don’t want to lose you so can we just pretend it didn’t happen?”_

_“No.”_

_Tsukishima frowned and looked to the ground. Yamaguchi moved so he was right underneath Tsukishima then leaned up and kissed him gently._

_“I love you too.” Yamaguchi grinned. “I was just scared to tell you.”_

_“That’s why I never told you.”_

_Yamaguchi giggled._

_“The great Tsukishima Kei was scared?”_

_“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”_

_“Sorry Tsukki.”_

_Tsukishima grinned, causing an even larger smile to spread across Yamaguchi’s face._

_“I love you, Kei.”_

_“I love you too, Tadashi.”_

_Tsukishima leaned down and pressed his lips to Yamaguchi’s again._

_“Do you think we have a chance at a future together?”_

_“There’s no one else I’d rather have one with than you.”_

_Yamaguchi smiled, his heart soaring._

_“So you’d like to get married?”_

_“Yes, eventually.”_

_“To me?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Yamaguchi Tadashi.”_

_Tsukishima rolled his eyes._

_“Yes,” he said. “I, Tsukishima Kei would like to marry you, Yamaguchi Tadashi someday.”_

_“Just checking.”_

_Yamaguchi giggled and Tsukishima rolled his eyes._

_“You’re a mess.”_

_“That’s what you tell me.”_

_He grinned and Tsukishima shook his head fondly._

_“Let’s continue walking.”_

_Yamaguchi nodded and the couple continued making their way down the beach. It was quiet and peaceful and Tsukishima felt happier than he had in a long time. He loved Yamaguchi and Yamaguchi loved him and both of them wanted to have a future with the other one. He had nothing more to worry to about. Life was great and not a single thing could ever take that away from him._

Tsukishima woke up in a cold sweat. He looked around his room to see his lights, funeral clothes, and glasses were all still on. He took off his glasses and rubbed his face. He didn’t know where that dream had come from. He expected to dream about Yamaguchi but he had not expected the dreams to come so soon nor did he expect them to feel so real.

He got up, slowly stripping out of his clothes as he made his way to his dresser to get his pajamas. On the top of the stack sat a tee shirt that belonged to Yamaguchi. They spent the night at each other’s houses so often that both of them had numerous clothing items that belonged to the other one. Tsukishima sighed and took it out, slipping it over his head.

He rubbed his chest gently. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to wear a tee shirt that belonged to his dead best friend but he was hoping it would bring him comfort so he did it anyways. He put on a pair of pajama pants and turned off his light and made his way back to bed. He curled up, pulling the blankets around him tightly.

“Hey Yama…” he said softly. “I don’t know where you are… but if you’re out there somewhere just know I miss you. I hope you died happy. I hope that you didn’t leave anything unsaid. I wish I hadn’t.”

Tsukishima sighed softly and shut his eyes tightly. He hugged the pillow again and tried to stop the tears that were once again forming in his eyes.

“I love you so much, Tadashi.” He whispered. “I wish I had told you sooner. I’m really sorry that I didn’t.”

As a man of science, Tsukishima knew Yamaguchi had already been buried and there was no way he could hear what he was saying but there was one small part of him that liked to think that it was possible for his friend to hear him. Part of him hoped he couldn’t because if he could then Yamaguchi might feel bad because he isn’t alive to comfort his hurting, and quite clearly lovesick, friend. The other part of him though, hoped that Yamaguchi could hear him because he wanted his friend to know he was love and he wanted him to know just how loved he was. It’s one thing to die knowing your parents love you but it’s another to know that someone was _in love_ with you.

Tsukishima always feared that he would die unloved. He was afraid that when he died he would die alone without anyone loving him. He never thought that Yamaguchi would die so young and he never expected to not have the chance to tell him that he was in love with him. Tsukishima wanted nothing more than to go back in time to the last time the saw each other and tell Yamaguchi that he loved him, possibly kiss him before he left the house. At least then he would have died knowing someone was in love with him, whether he returned the feelings or not didn’t matter, Tsukishima just wished he knew he died loved.

Tsukishima sighed and hugged the pillow tighter then slowly drifted off back to sleep.


	3. House of Memories

            Tsukishima woke up the next morning and stayed in bed. Usually he would get up and get ready so he could go meet Yamaguchi down the street so they could walk to school together but the school was closed today and even if it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be anyone waiting for him anyways. There was a knock on the door and Tsukishima looked up as his mom walked into the room.

“Kei, sweetie, how are you doing?”

            Tsukishima shrugged.

            “Do you want something to eat?”

            He shook his head. He really didn’t think he could even stomach eating anything. Even the thought of eating made his stomach lurch.

            Mrs. Tsukishima sat down on the edge of the bed and gently put her hand on her son’s cheek.

            “I know you miss him, but you have can’t just shut down and shut everyone out.”

            “What?” Tsukishima asked. “Did you really just tell me I’m not allowed to be upset?”

            “No, that’s not what I said at all.”

            The more his mother spoke, the angrier that Tsukishima got.

            “He’s my best friend, mom.”

            “Was.”

            “No!” Tsukishima yelled. “He is! He might be dead but it doesn’t fucking change anything! He’s still my best friend and I still love him!”

            “You don’t love him, Kei, you aren’t gay.”

            Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

            “I do love him!” he yelled. “He is my best friend and I love him and who really fucking cares if I’m gay? Gay people exist, mom!”

            “No son of mine will be gay.”

            “Well you’ve made it abundantly clear that I’m not that great of a son anyways.”

            “Kei!” she cried. “That isn’t true.”

            Tsukishima scoffed.

            “Just get out of my room.” He said. “I need to get changed.”

            “You’re not leaving this house until we talk about this.”

            “Get out of my room.”

            Mrs. Tsukishima stood up and walked out, mumbling under her breath. Tsukishima swore and threw the blankets off. He quickly changed clothes then grabbed his phone and wallet and went downstairs.

            “I’m leaving. Don’t wait up.”

            He walked out of the house, slamming the door behind him. He slipped his headphones on and started making his way to the Yamaguchi household. Tsukishima wouldn’t lie; he was terrified to be there. He had been there hundreds of times before and some of those times he was even there waiting because Yamaguchi hadn’t gotten home yet. However, today was different. Tsukishima wasn’t just waiting for Yamaguchi to get home from wherever he was previously. Yamaguchi was dead. He wasn’t coming home at all.

            Tsukishima stared at the ground as he walked. He wanted to get to the house but he was also terrified for what was to come. The house held so many memories for the two of them and Tsukishima was scared that he would get there and they would all come flowing back at once. He was terrified to break down again. He knew if he started crying then Mrs. Yamaguchi would start crying too and then neither one of them would get any better.

            He took a deep breath and pushed away all his emotions as he walked up to the door and knocked. A minute later Mr. Yamaguchi opened the door and Tsukishima managed a smile. The two stared at each other for a moment before Mr. Yamaguchi stepped aside and held out his arm, motioning for Tsukishima to come inside. He stepped in and slipped off his shoes and Mr. Yamaguchi shut the door behind him.

            “It’s just me home right now,” he said. “My wife will be home soon. You can go wait in Tadashi’s room if you would like.”

            Tsukishima nodded, mumbling a small thank you before making his way upstairs to Yamaguchi’s room. He walked inside and sighed heavily. He had only just walked into the room and it was already hard for him to be there. Yamaguchi was always kind of a mess so it was no surprise to find a pile of clothes in the corner and pajamas on his bed. Tsukishima walked over to his bed and sat down. He picked up the shirt that was there and couldn’t help but smile when he noticed a familiar green stegosaurus on the front of the gray fabric.

            Knowing it was probably the last outfit that Yamaguchi wore before he died brought Tsukishima both comfort and more pain. He knew Yamaguchi loved his shirts so knowing that his best friend was most likely comfortable and happy in his last moments made him happy, but seeing this shirt and knowing Yamaguchi would never get the chance to wear it again made his heart ache. It was his favorite shirt and he knew Yamaguchi loved it too. Like he did with Jurassic World, Yamaguchi would sometimes pretend to like things because Tsukishima did, and he was sure that’s how it started with this shirt. Yamaguchi never cared much for dinosaurs, he said the thought of them scared him, but Tsukishima’s dinosaur shirts had always been his favorite and seeing him in them so much made Yamaguchi love them too.

This very shirt was always Yamaguchi’s favorite. He said the stegosaurs wasn’t a very popular dinosaur and it was kind of like he was; underappreciated and sometimes forgotten. Tsukishima told him that was ridiculous and that he was very much appreciated but Yamaguchi just shook his head and said it was okay and he didn’t really mind. Tsukishima set the shirt back down and sighed.

“He loved that shirt, you know?”

Tsukishima looked up to see Mrs. Yamaguchi standing in the doorway.

“He liked to try and hide it at first, but we knew it was yours.”

Tsukishima smiled slightly and nodded, looking away again.

“He used to tell me he was like the stegosaurus… he took it a lot time ago but I knew he loved it so I never asked for it back.”

“You can take it back now, if you want.”

Tsukishima shook his head.

“I was thinking….” He began. “That maybe we could leave his room the way it is. We can clean it up a little bit, but other than that keep it… this room holds  a lot of memories and I don’t think I’m ready to see it go yet.”

Mrs. Yamaguchi smiled sympathetically and nodded.

“I understand.” She said. “This was always your home away from home. Tadashi loved having you over just as much as you loved being over. Maybe even more.”

“I’m not so sure that was possible.” Tsukishima said. “I love him a lot…”

He looked up at her, hands shaking slightly.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, Kei.” She smiled.

“I…” he paused. “Tadashi…”

“You were in love with him.”

Tsukishima furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at her.

“How did you know?”

“Mother’s intuition.” She smiled. “I could see it in your eyes, in the way you looked at him. I could tell you held so much love for him… I only wish he could have seen it too.”

“Yeah…” Tsukishima said softly. “I wish I could have told him.”

Mrs. Yamaguchi patted his back gently.

“I know.” She said softly. “But I think he died happy… and that’s all I could really hope for.”

“Me too.”

The room grew quiet and Tsukishima kept his eyes on the floor.

“Do you know how it happened?” he asked.

Mrs. Yamaguchi shook her head.

“We just…” She sighed and sat down next to Tsukishima. “You left Friday afternoon and he was so happy. Saturday started like normal, but in the middle of the day he went to take a nap and…”

She stopped and Tsukishima spoke up.

“He used to tell me that he loved to hear life still going on around him…” he said. “And maybe this time he just had trouble hearing. I guess life could have just gotten tired and stopped too…”

Mrs. Yamaguchi nodded.

“He just never woke up…”

“At least he died peacefully…” Tsukishima said. “Tadashi deserved that much. I’m glad he didn’t feel any pain.”

Mrs. Yamaguchi smiled and nodded.

“So am I, Kei.”

She sighed softly and stood up, swiftly making her way to Yamaguchi’s closet. She opened the door and stepped inside for a moment, reaching up and taking something off the shelf. She walked back out, holding two stuffed dinosaurs. She passed them to Tsukishima and he furrowed his eyebrows.

“Tadashi bought these for you last month.” Mrs. Yamaguchi said. “I think he was only going to give you the one that matched the dinosaur on that shirt, but since he’s gone I might as well give you both. He planned to give them to you next month for your birthday, but since you’re here…”

Tsukishima smiled and Mrs. Yamaguchi smiled back.

“I’m going to make some tea.” She said. “Stay up here as long as you’d like.”

“Thank you.”

The woman nodded and walked away, leaving Tsukishima alone with his thoughts again. He stared down at the dinosaurs and sighed. One was a stegosaurus and he assumed that was the one Yamaguchi had planned to give to him. The other was a brontosaurus and he was fairly certain Yamaguchi had planned to keep that one for himself.

_“Tsukki.”_

_“Hmm.”_

_“You know how once I said I was the stegosaurus?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I think I know what you are now.”_

_“Oh yeah?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“What did you come up with?”_

_“You’re a brontosaurus.”_

_“What? Why?”_

_“Because you’re tall.”_

_“That’s it?”_

_“No! You’re tall and you’re nice unless someone provokes you and you kinda have big feet and you remind me of Little Foot from The Land Before Time.”_

_“Is that the only dinosaur movie you’ve ever seen?”_

_“Maybe.”_

_“Yamaguchi.”_

_“The others scare me!”_

_“You watched Jurassic Park.”_

_“I covered my face the whole time.”_

_“Through all of them?”_

_“Yup.”_

_“What about Godzilla?”_

_“That was awful!”_

_“And One Million BC?”_

_“No thank you.”_

_“So you have sat there with me while I watch dinosaur movies and just covered your eyes?”_

_“Yes. They scare me.”_

_“So why didn’t you ever say anything?”_

_“Because you like them and I like you.”_

_“How many Land Before Time movies have you seen?”_

_“All of them.”_

_“And you really think I’m like Little Foot?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Tsukki the brontosaurus.”_

_“Yama the stegosaurus.”_

_“Yup.”_

Tsukishima smiled at the memory and looked down at the two stuffed toys in his hands. He always thought of himself more as a tyrannosaurus until Yamaguchi told him he was like the brontosaurus and after that he never thought so himself as anything else. He still wasn’t very fond of Yamaguchi’s logic, but it always stuck with him that Yamaguchi sat there through every movie even though he was scared. Tsukishima felt bad for never asking if he was okay but Yamaguchi also never said he didn’t want to watch the movies so Tsukishima never thought anything of it.

He stood up and began walking around the room. He walked to Yamaguchi’s dresser and looked at the picture frames that sat on the dresser. There were five of them and they seemed to be set up in the order they were taken in. In one the two were dressed up as a dinosaur and a box of French fries for Halloween. To this day Tsukishima wasn’t sure how Yamaguchi managed to convince him to dress up as a box of fries but he was sure all Yamaguchi had to do was give him puppy dog eyes and he would have caved instantly.

The next one was from a few years after. They were in Tsukishima’s room and the two were wearing similar pajamas, Tsukishima’s had a dinosaur head as the hood and Yamaguchi’s had a bear head as the hood. Tsukishima had seen the next one but he had never really paid attention to it until this current moment. They were laying on the floor in the Yamaguchi lounge and both of them were fast asleep. Tsukishima had fallen asleep with his head on a pillow and one arm stretched out and the other laying across Yamaguchi’s chest. Yamaguchi had his head on Tsukishima’s chest and a large smile was spread across his face.

Tsukishima stared at the next one, his mind trailing off as he thought back to the moments leading up to the picture.

_“Hey Tsukki.”_

_“Hold on.”_

_Tsukishima finished writing the answer to his math problem and then looked up at his friend._

_“What is it?”_

_Yamaguchi seemed nervous, almost embarrassed to ask his question._

_“Have you ever kissed anyone?”_

_“No.”_

_Silence._

_“Why?”_

_“These guys at school were talking about it today.” Yamaguchi answered. “They found out that I hadn’t and started making fun of me.”_

_“They’re just assholes. Don’t listen to them, Yamaguchi.”_

_“Okay, but… is it normal to have never kissed anyone? We’re thirteen.”_

_“Different people move at different paces.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Well… my brother had his first girlfriend at seventeen but his friend has his at fourteen.”_

_“We’re thirteen.”_

_“I know.” Tsukishima said. “And maybe we’re not ready for anything now. We might not be ready for a while.”_

_“But what if I am?”_

_“Are you?”_

_“I don’t know. How do I tell?”_

_Tsukishima shrugged._

_“I don’t know about any of this.”_

_“You seem to.”_

_“I just know what Akiteru tells me.”_

_“Oh.”_

_Tsukishima picked up his pencil and started working on another problem. He was halfway done when Yamaguchi spoke up again._

_“Tsukki.”_

_“What?”_

_“Do you want to have your first kiss?”_

_Tsukishima shrugged._

_“I don’t care.”_

_“If you do or don’t?”_

_“I don’t care either way.”_

_“Oh um… do you maybe want to try it?”_

_Tsukishima looked up at Yamaguchi._

_“You mean us?”_

_Yamaguchi nodded._

_“I want to know what it’s like.”_

_“Oh, um… okay…”_

_“Really?”_

_“Sure.”_

_“How do we do it?”_

_“Just lean in some until our lips meet.”_

_“Okay.”_

_Tsukishima and Yamaguchi leaned in until their lips touched. They kept them there for a minute before Yamaguchi pulled away, his face red._

_“That was nice.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Tsukishima went back to working on his homework and Yamaguchi smiled._

_“Let’s take a picture.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I want to.”_

_Tsukishima rolled his eyes but leaned over anyways and smiled as Yamaguchi took a picture._

_“Thanks, Tsukki.”_

_“For what?”_

_“Everything.”_

_“You’re welcome, Yama.”_

Tsukishima smiled and brushed away the tears that were forming in his eyes. He hadn’t kissed anyone since that day and he knew Yamaguchi hadn’t either. He had been Yamaguchi’s first and last kiss. He wasn’t sure why he liked that but he did. It made him feel special, almost like he was the only person Yamaguchi ever cared about enough to kiss.

He glanced to the final picture and smiled. It was from their junior high graduation. They were in blue gowns and had little gold tassels hanging down from their matching caps. Yamaguchi had his harm linked through Tsukishima’s, wearing a grin that covered his entire face. It was always nice to see Yamaguchi smile so widely. It made Tsukishima feel good knowing that his friend was so happy. He sighed softly and walked to the doorway, turning around one more time to look back at the room.

“I’ll miss you.” he said softly.

He turned back around and made his way downstairs, clutching the stuffed dinosaurs tightly. He decided to name them Tadashi and Kai. He knew it was kind of lame, but Yamaguchi had picked out the dinosaurs that he said reminded him of the two of them so Tsukishima found it fitting.

He walked into the kitchen and said goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Yamaguchi and then slipped his shoes on and made his way back home. He still wasn’t happy, but he felt a little less pain than he had felt that morning. It was as if seeing Yamaguchi’s room brought him some sort of closure and maybe it had. Maybe it was seeing his room or speaking to his mom and finding out she knew he loved her son or maybe it was seeing all the pictures or even all three of those things.

Tsukishima wasn’t sure what the reason was and he wasn’t sure if he even cared. He still hurt from all the memoires that had been brought back and he knew he wasn’t going to stop hurting anytime soon but for the time being he was a little closer to being okay. He hurt a little bit less and he knew that even if no one else was ever there for him then he would always have Mrs. Yamaguchi and he knew that no matter what happened, no one could take their memories away from him and that was all that mattered.


	4. Everything Sucks

On Tuesday Tsukishima went back to school. He could feel people staring at him as he walked through the halls. He tried not to look back at anyone and instead kept his eyes straight ahead as he walked from class to class. He could hear people whispering about him; some of them mentioning how weird it was that Yamaguchi wasn’t with him and others saying things like “that’s him, that’s the guy with the dead best friend.”

Tsukishima wasn’t sure how other people found out about Yamaguchi’s death so quickly; he hadn’t told anyone besides the volleyball team and he was fairly certain that was something that even Kageyama and Hinata wouldn’t go around blabbing about. However, people still found out and Tsukishima was forced to spend the whole day alone as everyone whispered about the passing of the only person he has ever cared about.

Lunchtime rolled around and Tsukishima went outside to sit on the roof. He usually ate lunch there with Yamaguchi so he decided to keep up the tradition. Kageyama and Hinata were sitting in their usual spot on the other side of the roof. Tsukishima wanted to be alone, but he was also kind of lonely and was considering getting up to sit with them when Nishinoya and Tanaka sat down in front of him.

“Tsukishima!” Nishinoya cried.

He grunted and looked up at the small libero.

“We’re gonna keep you company.”

“Why?”

“Because you looked lonely.”

Tsukishima was about to protest when he remembered he had planned to move next to Kageyama and Hinata. Nishinoya and Tanaka were loud and they could be quite obnoxious but Tsukishima decided he would much rather eat lunch with them than with the arrogant king and his hyperactive queen.

“Want a French fry?”

Nishinoya held out his tray of food, a large smile on his face. Tsukishima looked down at the lunch tray to find a small section filled with fries so floppy they appeared to be undercooked. His chest tightened and he felt like he was going to cry. He shoved the tray away and shook his head quickly.

“Okay.” Nishinoya shrugged and then tilted his head to the side. “You okay, Tsukishima?”

The blonde shook his head and Nishinoya frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

“Can we help?” Tanaka asked.

“Can you bring someone back from the dead?”

“No.”

“Then no, you cannot help.”

“I don’t understand.” Nishinoya said.

“Yeah, what does that have to do with the fries?” Tanaka asked.

“What’s Noya’s favorite food?” Tsukishima asked.

“Gari-Gari Kun.” Tanaka answered.

“And if he died—”

“Hey!” Nishinoya yelled. “Why are you killing me?”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

“If he died then how would seeing it make you feel?”

“Pretty bad, I guess.” Tanaka said.

“You guess?’ Nishinoya asked.

“I would! I would feel bad!” Tanaka asked.

“Exactly.”

“But still what does that have to do with French fries?”

“Nōtarin.” Tsukishima mumbled.

“What?”

“Floppy French fries are Yamaguchi’s favorite food!” Tsukishima cried.

He grabbed his bento box and stood up, storming off the roof. He was running towards the gym when he ran full force into Sugawara, knocking the upperclassman to the ground.

“Hey, where’s the fire?”

Suga chuckled, but his smile quickly faded when he saw how upset Tsukishima was.

“Oh no, you weren’t talking to Nishinoya and Tanaka, were you?”

Tsukishima nodded and held his hand out to help Suga up. Suga stood up and brushed off his pants, smiling sympathetically at Tsukishima.

“They mean well.” Suga told him. “They just aren’t the best when it comes to grievances.”

Tsukishima nodded slightly, brushing tears off of his cheeks.

“Walk with me.” Suga said.

Usually Tsukishima would protest but these past few days had been excruciatingly lonely and his usual head-strong demeanor had practically vanished. Tsukishima followed Sugawara through the courtyard. He stayed quiet, wondering when they were going to stop walking. He didn’t know what Suga was doing or where they were going or really even why he followed him to begin with. Tsukishima would have much rather just skipped the rest of school and gone home instead of staying around a place where everyone was talking about him.

It had only been three days yet everything was harder without Yamaguchi around. Sunday had been his funeral and those are hard enough to get through but when it happens to be your best friend’s funeral, it’s even worse. Monday was the first time he was at Yamaguchi’s house without him arriving a few minutes later. He never came home. He couldn’t come home. Now here he was on Tuesday, back at school without Yamaguchi. They’d never been apart at school since they had met. Neither of them ever got sick very often and when they did they still came to school to be with the other one.

Along with that, being in the top of their class they were always in the same classes and Tsukishima had gotten Yamaguchi to go out for the volleyball team with him every year. The pair had rarely ever even been apart aside from the times one of their families went on vacation and half of those times they brought the other one along.

Suga sat down on a bench near the gym and grabbed Tsukishima’s arm, pulling him down next to him. Tsukishima stared at the ground and the two sat in silence. Suga sat quietly, seemingly waiting for Tsukishima to say something first. He wasn’t going to though, he didn’t want to speak. He still wasn’t even sure why he followed Suga to begin with.

“I know you don’t want to hear this,” Suga said. “But I’m sorry.”

Tsukishima sighed heavily and Suga smiled slightly.

“I know Yamaguchi was your best friend, but you do have other friends, you know? I know you don’t like Kageyama or Hinata.” Suga paused. “Or Tanaka and I know Nishinoya is a handful too but you have me and Daichi and Asahi. We might not compare to Yamaguchi but we’re still here for you.”

Tsukishima nodded.

“I miss him so much…” he said quietly.

“I understand.” Suga said.

Tsukishima wanted to argue. Suga hadn’t lost his best friend. Suga was dating his best friend. He was happy and whole and he didn’t have a large chunk of his heart missing because the person he’s in love with is dead. Suga didn’t understand. Suga couldn’t understand. Instead though, he kept is mouth shut and simply nodded politely. He didn’t have the energy to fight with anyone and Sugawara was being nice and trying to help him so the least he could do was stay calm.

“It’s just frustrating and upsetting as hell.” Tsukishima said. “Yamaguchi used to love the sunset and he would call me and we would watch it together. I always hated it, it’s cliché and seems like something you would see in stupid romantic comedies but he liked it so I did it anyways because I loved him. Last night though, I could barely even look out the window without wanting to cry. My mom tried to make me watch a movie and I couldn’t even sit there for five minutes. I can’t even listen to music because every damn song reminds me of Yama! I almost cried over a plate of fucking fries!”

Suga put his hand on Tsukishima’s back and rubbed it gently. He wasn’t sure how to make Tsukishima feel any better as he usually never shows any emotion at all. Suga had always thought of himself as fairly intelligent, but he still could not wrap his head around the fact that someone as wonderful and sweet as Yamaguchi was gone.

“I just don’t understand why he had to die…”

“You know…” Suga said quietly. “One time I asked my mom why the best people die early. She said ‘when you’re in a garden, which flowers do you pick?’ and I told her the most beautiful ones. She didn’t say much after that and I still don’t really understand it now, but I remember always being told that only the good die young.”

“But why did it have to be Yamaguchi? Why did the only person I have ever loved have to be taken away from me? He didn’t even make it to his sixteenth birthday…”

Suga sighed. He always tried his best to be there for people, especially the first years, but this was one thing that he wasn’t so sure he would be able to help with.

“Due to neither of us being starting players I got to know Yamaguchi pretty well these past few months and I know I’ll never know him as well as you did, but he was a great kid. He was shy, but he had a good heart and…”

Suga trailed off, noticing Tsukishima’s bottom lip quivering. He could barely hold back his tears as Suga spoke and his hands were beginning to shake. Suga smiled sympathetically and reached out and hugged him. Tsukishima, surprising them both, hugged Suga back. It felt nice to be comforted and suddenly he didn’t feel so alone anymore. Tsukishima knew Suga didn’t really understand and he probably never would but he was easy to talk to and it helped to be able to get some of his emotions out.

“Are you feeling a little bit better?” Suga asked.

Tsukishima nodded.

“Yeah. Thanks, Sugawara-san.”

 Suga smiled and rummaged through his back and pulled out a small pack of tissues and held it out to him. Tsukishima laughed and took one and started to dry his eyes.

“You really are like a mom.” Tsukishima muttered.

Suga smiled and patted Tsukishima’s knee gently.

“Come back if you ever wanna talk, okay?”

Tsukishima nodded. He started to say something else but the bell rang. Suga quickly stood up and ruffled Tsukishima’s hair. The blonde scowled, but it quickly faded away when he saw Suga smiling down at him.

“Get back to class. I’ll see you at practice.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“I don’t know if I want to go.”

“Why?”

“It was something Yamaguchi and I did together. Why would I continue without him?”

Suga started to say something, but paused. He couldn’t really argue with him as he knew Nishinoya wanted to quit because Asahi had.

“Come to practice, Tsukishima.” Suga said. “We’re a team and we need you. We already lost Yamaguchi, we can’t lose you too.”

He smiled slightly and then walked off, leaving Tsukishima alone in the middle of the courtyard. He sighed softly and began to make his way back to class. He decided he would continue to go to practice, but it wasn’t because of what Suga said. He wasn’t going to go for Suga or the rest of the team or even for himself. He was going to do it for Yamaguchi and Yamaguchi only.

**Chapter Four:** _The Kids Aren’t Alright_

Tsukishima sat down in the grass and crossed his legs. He stayed quiet and stared at the headstone.

_In Loving Memory_  
Yamaguchi Tadashi  
November 10, 2000-September 17, 2016

            “Well,” Tsukishima said. “Here I am. I don’t know if this is going to help or if it’s really just a bunch of bullshit that they put in movies to make people cry but I’m going to try it anyways. It’s the only way I can still talk to you without seeming like a total idiot and have everyone around me questioning my sanity.”

            He laughed dryly.

            “God, why is this so hard? You would think that with us being friends for so long that it would be easy for me to talk to you here, but it’s not.”

            He sighed heavily and pulled at the grass. He tore it from the ground and let the small blades fall through his fingers. He looked back up at the headstone and chuckled.

            “I remember one time back in grade school when we were sitting outside and I picked a flower and gave it to you and then you scolded me and told me not to do that because you thought that flowers had feelings and that it hurt them to be picked. You said that they would also miss their families and friends and that if I wanted to pick a flower for you then you wanted me to pick flowers that were by themselves so that they wouldn’t be missed and wouldn’t have anyone to miss them once they got picked by someone.” Tsukishima smiled. “I did start doing that, you know? I would only pick flowers that stood alone. I still only do that. Not that I pick flowers very often anyways… I did this time though. Well I bought some flowers for you. I know you always liked flowers. I remembered that one time you said yellow daffodils were your favorite so I bought you a bouquet of those.”

            Tsukishima moved the flowers a bit closer to the headstone and smiled.

            “Yellow flowers are kind of ugly. I never understood why you liked them. I mean, I like sunflowers, but that’s the only ones.” He paused. “Don’t tell anyone that. Tell someone and I’ll kill you.”

            Tsukishima smacked himself in the forehead.

            “Shit, did I really just say that?”

            He shook his head and sighed softly.

            “Way to go, Tsukki, maybe you are an asshole.” Tsukishima paused then started talking again. “I used to hate that stupid nickname and lately I’ve been referring to myself as Tsukki instead of Kei and I don’t even know why…”

            Tsukishima looked down at the ground and began to pull at the grass again. He wasn’t sure what to talk about. He wanted to talk about everything, to tell Yamaguchi all about his day like he used to. It was harder though because now Yamaguchi couldn’t talk back and he couldn’t tell him to stop complaining so much or to calm down and he couldn’t tell Tsukishima about hoe his day was.

            “I almost quit the volleyball team but Sugawara-san asked me to stay.” Tsukishima said. “Actually he told me to stay. He said that we had already lost you and that they didn’t want to lose me too. I didn’t want to stay because it was something we had done together but I stayed. I didn’t stay for him though. I stayed for you. I thought you would want me to stay. I also almost cried over French fries today.”

            He started laughing, realizing how dumb it would have been if he had actually cried over fried potatoes.

            “I sat on the roof in our spot and Kageyama and Hinata were in their spot and I was just really lonely so I was about to get up and sit with them when Nishinoya and Tanaka came and sat down and talked to me for a minute and then Nishinoya offered me some of his French fries and they were so floppy they looked undercooked and I couldn’t take it and I almost cried.” He sighed. “You’ve made a real mess of me, you know that, Yamaguchi? I was just fine being angry and emotionless all the time and then you had to go and make me fall in love with you and then fucking die and turn me into a sad and soppy mess.”

            Tsukishima swallowed hard.

            “I know it isn’t your fault… I talked to your mom and she didn’t know either. I think that maybe your heart gave out. I know sometimes you told me that it felt kind of funny, but we were young and your doctor never said anything about it so I never thought of it as a problem.” His voice got softer with every word. “But I guess that maybe it was… and we just didn’t know it… that’s not your fault either, none of this is. I just hate that you’re gone. I miss you so much and after being with you for so long it’s so hard to be without you.”

            Tsukishima took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He shut them tightly for a moment, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly before he opened them back and put his glasses back on his face.

            “You died on Saturday and your funeral was on Sunday and Monday… that’s what I hate the most because we were supposed to spend Monday together and instead of that I had to spend it alone… I did go to your house. I don’t your mom at the funeral that I would help her go through your stuff. After I got there I sat on your bed for a little bit and I… I found the stegosaurus shirt that you took from me a while back. Your mom said you loved it, which I already knew, but I still liked to hear it. We didn’t change anything. I told her that we should leave everything how it was because your room held so many memories and she said okay. She gave me the dinosaur you bought for my birthday. Actually she gave me both of them. She told me that she thought only one of them was for me and you were keeping the other but I have them both anyways. I named them Tadashi and Kei. I know its lame, but you bought the dinosaurs you always said represented us so what else was I supposed to do?”

            Tsukishima sighed softly.

            “I looked at all the pictures on your dresser too. I never paid much attention to them before but I cried when I looked at them. We had so much fun and so many good times and I miss them and I miss you and I just really wish we could have continued that.”

            He smiled and stood up, brushing his hand across the headstone.

            “I’ve gotta get home now so my mom doesn’t kill me. I’ll come back soon, okay? I promise. I love you, Tadashi. Goodnight. Can I say goodnight? Does it work like that? I don’t know. Goodnight anyways. I’ll be back soon.”

            Tsukishima stared at the grave for a moment longer and then started making his way out of the cemetery and back to his house. He felt a lot lighter now than he had previously, almost happier. He still wasn’t happy, but he no longer felt like someone had dropped an anvil on his chest or like he was carrying the weight of the entire galaxy on his shoulders.

            He arrived back home and made his way up to his bedroom. He sat down on his bed and glanced at his stuffed dinosaurs then grabbed his phone. He scrolled through his pictures to find the last one Yamaguchi had taken on his phone and set it as his background. He wasn’t sure how it would make him feel; whether it would make things a little more bearable or a hell of a lot harder, but he wanted to try it anyways.

            “Boys, dinner!”

            Tsukishima made his way downstairs and sat down at the table. Even being around his family wasn’t as hard to do now that he has gotten the chance to be around Yamaguchi again. He knew that being at his grave wasn’t anywhere close to being next to a living, breathing Yamaguchi but it was all he could be around. He was just grateful he actually had the chance to be around his friend again.

            He knew his momentary bliss wouldn’t last forever so he was holding onto it while he could and bracing himself for the downfall that he was sure was going to come.


	5. Back to Life

            After dinner Tsukishima went back up to his room. He laid down and put his headphones on, resuming his music at the last song he had played. He stared up at the ceiling and tried to calm down. Dinner had not gone as well as he had hoped and now he was only trying to keep himself from getting overly worked up again.

            His mother had scolded him more for saying that he’s gay and his father had agreed, saying that no son of his would be gay. Akiteru had offered to set him up with his friend’s younger sister and both of his parents said that was a good idea, but Tsukishima refused. He didn’t want to be with a girl, he didn’t even like girls. That’s what he assumed anyways.

            He had never liked anyone before Yamaguchi and it was eighth grade when he realized he was crushing on Yamaguchi and from there it only grew until one day he realized he was in love with his freckle faced best friend. He had never really given his sexuality much thought though because he never saw it as a big deal. He never understood why someone had to label him simply because of who he liked. The way Tsukishima always saw it was that people liked who they liked and that was that.

            Apparently though, his entire family didn’t feel the same way as he did when it came to sexuality and who he was supposed to love. He always thought his parents were loving an accepting, but apparently he had been wrong about that as well. He knew that Mrs. Yamaguchi didn’t mind, she seemed to be happy that he loved her son, but she wasn’t his mother so her opinion didn’t change anything.

            Tsukishima got up and grabbed some pajamas and walked to the bathroom. He turned on the water and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water run over him and relax his muscles. He had thrown himself into volleyball more today than he previously had and now he body was aching almost just as much as his heart was.

            When Tsukishima got out of the shower he pulled on his pajamas and made his way back to his room. He shut and locked the door, making sure he wouldn’t be bothered by anyone else for the rest of the night. He sat on his bed for a little bit then decided to text Sugawara and get some advice again.

_Tsukishima: Sugawara-san_

_Sugawara-san: I’m not letting you quit the team_

_Tsukishima: No, it’s not about that_

_Sugawara-san: Oh, alright. What’s going on then? Is everything okay?_

_Tsukishima: I don’t really know._

_Sugawara-san: What’s wrong?_

_Tsukishima:  I just really miss Yamaguchi and things have started to fall apart at home too and it’s not easy to deal with._

_Sugawara-san: I understand. Do you want to talk about anything specifically?_

Tsukishima stared at his phone. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about anything or not. He had already vented to Suga earlier and that hadn’t really changed much for him. He did feel a little bit less alone than he had whenever the day started but he didn’t think their chat really helped him any and that was what he needed. He needed help.

_Tsukishima:  Well…_

_Sugawara-san: You don’t have to feel pressured to talk. I’m not trying to take the place of Yamaguchi; I would never do that. I know how much he meant to you and the last thing I would ever even think about doing is attempt to take his place. I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through because I haven’t lost a friend like this but I will always do my best to help._

_Tsukishima:  Thank you, Suga-san_

_Sugawara-san: So I’m here if you want to talk and if you don’t want to then that’s okay too_

_Tsukishima:  How did you tell your parents you’re gay?_

_Sugawara-san: What? I’m not gay. Who said I’m gay?_

Tsukishima started to panic. He had always thought that Suga was gay because of how he acted with Daichi. It never really occurred to him that the captain and vice-captain may not actually be dating and instead just be close friends.

_Tsukishima: Oh shit. I’m sorry. I thought you were dating Daichi-san._

_Sugawara-san: Haha it’s okay, Tsukishima, I’m kidding._

_Tsukishima: Shit, I got so scared!_

_Sugawara-san: Sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up :)_

_Tsukishima: By scaring me?_

_Sugawara-san: Okay, yeah, in hindsight that probably wasn’t a good idea_

_Tsukishima: You think?_

_Sugawara-san: Hey, no need to get smart!_

_Tsukishima: Sorry._

_Sugawara-san: It’s alright. Daichi and I are dating, we have been for a while and yes, I am gay. I am very gay._

_Tsukishima: How did you tell your parents?_

_Sugawara-san: I didn’t._

_Tsukishima: So they don’t know?_

_Sugawara-san: No they know._

Tsukishima furrowed his eyebrows. How could Mr. and Mrs. Sugawara know that he’s gay if he had never told him? Was it similar to his case where Mrs. Yamaguchi knew? Did Daichi’s parents know and they’re the ones who told Suga’s parents? Is Mrs. Yamaguchi going to tell his parents that he was in love with her son?

_Tsukishima: Wait, then how do they know?_

_Sugawara-san: Well you see… what had happened was…_

_Tsukishima: Oh shit_

_Sugawara-san: My mom kind of walked in on Daichi and me one time_

_Tsukishima: Suga-san!_

_Sugawara-san: Not like that! We still had all of our clothes on_

_Tsukishima: Then how did she know?_

_Sugawara-san: Well when your son is lying in bed giving his best friend a hickey then it’s fairly obvious that he isn’t straight._

_Tsukishima: Holy shit_

_Sugawara-san: I would not advice coming out that way_

_Tsukishima: If I came out that way then my parents would probably freak out_

_Sugawara-san: Omg Tsukishima_

_Tsukishima: What?_

_Sugawara-san: I wasn’t telling you to do that! You can’t!_

_Tsukishima: Oh._

_Sugawara-san: Anyways! Why do you ask? Are you gay?_

_Tsukishima: I don’t know. I mean, I’m not straight, but I don’t know what I am other than that. Yamaguchi is the only person I’ve had feelings for._

_Sugawara-san: Do you feel any attraction towards girls at all?_

_Tsukishima: I hardly feel any attraction towards anyone_

_Sugawara-san: So you could be asexual_

_Tsukishima: What does that mean?_

_Sugawara-san: You don’t experience sexual attraction._

_Tsukishima: But uh… that’s not the case. I um… sometimes… you know like… dreams and stuff._

_Sugawara-san: Oh Lord. Tsukishima you are a mess_

_Tsukishima: I know :/_

_Sugawara-san: I’d say it’s pretty safe to say you’re gay then. Do your parents approve? What are their views on that?_

_Tsukishima: They hate it._

_Sugawara-san: Oh, I’m sorry… I got lucky with my parents being accepting. They’re only rule is that I’m not allowed to have sex in the house (oops) I’m sorry you’re parents aren’t the same way. I wish everyone could have accepting parents._

_Tsukishima: Me too._

_Sugawara-san: Has it been bad?_

_Tsukishima: Not really. They just kept saying that no son of their will be gay. It’s a pain in the ass to deal with and listen to, but I know other people have it worse so I’m grateful that I don’t._

_Sugawara-san: It’s still awful though_

_Tsukishima: Yeah…_

_Sugawara-san: You always have me and Dai though :) I mean, Daichi isn’t exactly out to anyone yet but I’m pretty sure everyone assumes anyways. Kinda like with Kageyama and Hinata_

_Tsukishima: Those idiots couldn’t be more obvious_

_Sugawara-san: Exactly._

_Other than that are you okay, though?_

_Tsukishima: I guess. I went to Yama’s grave to visit him today and just talked a little bit._

_Sugawara-san: How did that go?_

_Tsukishima: It was okay. I miss him, but I felt a little bit better. It didn’t really last though because my parents were jumping down my throat at dinner._

_Sugawara-san: I’m sorry. You’ve had so much to deal with lately and I know it’s hard for you._

_Tsukishima: It isn’t._

_Sugawara-san: I’m sorry._

_Tsukishima: It’s alright, I’m working on it._

_Sugawara-san: It’ll take some time, but you’ll get there eventually._

_Tsukishima: Yeah…_

_Sugawara-san: Well I’m going to go to sleep now. You should get some sleep too, it’ll help. Don’t be late for morning practice! Goodnight, Tsukishima._

_Tsukishima: Thanks for the help. Goodnight, Sugawara-san._

Tsukishima locked his phone and plugged it in to charge. He got up and turned off the light then went back to bed and laid down. He held his stuffed dinosaurs close then closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

            _“Tsukki, Tsukki, Tsukki!”_

_“For fucks sake, Yamaguchi, calm down!”_

_Yamaguchi blushed and stopped jumping._

_“Sorry Tsukki.”_

_“What are you even so excited about?”_

_“Fuji-Q Highland opened a new attraction.”_

_“And why do I care?”_

_“It’s a dinosaur attraction.”_

_Tsukishima dropped pen and turned to look at his friend._

_“Don’t fuck with me, Tadashi. You know I take my dinosaurs very seriously.”_

_“I know! I’m not kidding, I’m serious!_

_“Prove it.”_

_Yamaguchi held up his phone and Tsukishima took it from him. He scrolled down the page, reading carefully until he saw it._

**_Fuji-Q Highland: Featuring a new attraction; Dino’s, Dino’s, Dino’s! Now Open._ **

**** _“Oh my God, Yamaguchi.”_

_Yamaguchi started giggling, watching as Tsukishima started to freak out._

_“We have to go. Please? Come with me. I’ll pay for the tickets but you have to come too, please? I mean I don’t even have anyone else to go with and I don’t wanna go alone so come with me. I want you too. We have to go. Yama!”_

_Yamaguchi laughed and put his hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder._

_“Tsukki, calm down please.”_

_Tsukishima turned to face him and Yamaguchi sat down in his lap. He wrapped his arms around his neck and smiled._

_“What are you grinning about?”_

_Yamaguchi put his hand into the pocket of his sweatshirt and then pulled it back out and held up two tickets._

_“Yamaguchi.”_

_“Tsukki.”_

_“Are those what I think they are?”_

_“What do you think they are?”_

_“Don’t tease me, Tadashi.”_

_“I’m not, Kei.”_

_“Are those really tickets to the park?”_

_“See for yourself.”_

_Yamaguchi held them out and Tsukishima took them, he looked over them and his eyes grew wide._

_“Oh my God, I love you.”_

_Yamaguchi giggled._

_“I know.”_

_Kei grabbed his face and kissed him gently._

_“You’re amazing. This is great. Thank you. I love you. You’re coming with me, right?”_

_“I know. You’re welcome. I love you too. Duh, who else would go?”_

_“Hey!”_

_“I didn’t mean it like that! I just mean that I bought them so why would I buy them for you and someone else.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Mhm.”_

_Tsukishima blushed slightly. He pressed his forehead to Yamaguchi’s and looked him in the eyes._

_“You’re so great.”_

_“Oh really?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“How great?”_

_“Strawberry shortcake great.”_

_“Damn. That’s pretty great.”_

_Tsukishima smiled and rolled his eyes. He leaned in and kissed Yamaguchi softly again._

_“Yes, it is.”_

_“You should prove to me just how great I am.”_

_Yamaguchi smirked and Tsukishima knew right away where he was going with this._

_“Yama, your parents are downstairs.”_

_“So?”_

_He stood up and pulled Tsukishima up with him. He dragged him over to his bed and sat down, pulling Tsukishima down to kiss him. He laid down and Tsukishima lowered himself down on top of Yamaguchi who quickly wrapped his legs around his waist. He moaned softly and pushed his hips up into Tsukishima’s._

Tsukishima woke up, shooting up in his bed and panting heavily. The dreams he was having were beginning to feel a lot more real and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take.

            “Kei.”

            Tsukishima looked up to find someone sitting on the edge of his bed, their head cocked to the side like a confused puppy. Tsukishima swallowed hard, his heart pounding.

            “Tadashi…”


	6. Where to Begin

Tsukishima shut his eyes tightly and tried to bring himself back to reality.

            “He isn’t real, he isn’t real, he isn’t real.” Tsukishima mumbled. “He died. He’s gone. This is your imagination. He isn’t real.”

            Once Tsukishima had convinced himself that he had imagined it, he opened his eyes. When Yamaguchi was still sitting on the edge of the bed, Tsukishima started crying.

            “You’re not real!” he shouted. “You can’t be real!”

            “Tsukki.”

            “No, stop!”

            Tsukishima was sobbing. He grabbed one of the stuffed dinosaurs and threw it at Yamaguchi. It hit his arm and bounced off, hitting the floor silently. Yamaguchi picked it up and placed it back on the bed by Tsukishima’s feet.

            “It’s not very nice to throw things.” Yamaguchi scolded.

            “You’re not real.”

            Tsukishima was still crying, clutching the other dinosaur tightly. He didn’t know what was happening. He didn’t think he was dreaming and he knew Yamaguchi wasn’t a ghost because he had touched something. Tsukishima didn’t believe in ghosts anyways. He knew Yamaguchi was dead though. He saw the body and went to the funeral and went to the cemetery. None of this could be real.

            “I am real.”

            Tsukishima shook his head.

            “You died.”

            “I know, but I’m still real.”

            “N-n-no.”

            He was shaking now. He wanted to grab his phone again, to text Sugawara and ask him for help. He had to be hallucinating. What else could any of this be?

            “I’m a real person, Tsukishima.”

            “No!” he cried. “Stop! This isn’t possible!”

            He felt sick. He felt like this was some sort of cruel joke that someone was playing on him. Maybe his parents were trying to punish him for coming out as gay or his brother is because he no longer speaks to him anymore no matter how hard Akiteru tries to get him to. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to deal with the pain. He wanted to die and to join the real Yamaguchi wherever the hell he went after he died.

            “Tsukki…”

            Yamaguchi moved closer and Tsukishima whimpered. He couldn’t move back because his bed was against the wall and he had nowhere to go.

            “Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said again. “I’m your best friend… I would never hurt you.”

            “No, Tadashi would never hurt me.” Tsukishima said. “You aren’t Tadashi. Tadashi died. He isn’t alive anymore.”

            “I’ll prove it to you.”

            Tsukishima didn’t say anything. He shut his eyes tightly and tried to force this all to end. He hurt so badly and seeing Yamaguchi at the foot of his bed was not helping anything.

            “You like dinosaurs.”

            “No shit.” Tsukishima mumbled.

            “And strawberry shortcake and volleyball.”

            Tsukishima rolled his eyes. Anyone who knows him knows he likes those three things. It does nothing to prove that the _thing_ sitting on the end of his bed is in fact his best friend, Yamaguchi Tadashi.

            “You always have your headphones and you’re not a fan of milk unless it’s strawberry. And you also hated starting high school because then you had to explain to everyone how to pronounce your first name.”

            “This doesn’t prove anything.”

            Tsukishima felt like he was going crazy. He still didn’t understand what was going on and he had no proof that he was talking to the real Yamaguchi. He wasn’t even sure how he could be talking to the real Yamaguchi. He had always believe in science and true, hard facts and science did not believe in ghosts. Ghosts are not real and there is no possible way this could be Yamaguchi.

            “I know you really like Kyary Pamyu Pamyu.”

            “Holy shit. How the fuck do you know that?”

            “I’m Yamaguchi!”

            Tsukishima stared back at him. He was still quite skeptical but Yamaguchi was the only one he told about his love for the pop icon and there was no way anyone else could have found out because he did everything in his power to hide it. Yamaguchi moved closer again and this time Tsukishima stayed quiet. He leaned forward, squinting slightly in an attempt to see Yamaguchi better.

            Tsukishima stared at him intently and the smaller boy stared right back, his brown eyes big and bright. He had the same look on his face that he would get whenever he Tsukishima would do something he really loved, or quite often, whenever he saw a dog.

            “Shit…” Tsukishima cursed. “It really is you…”

            “Well duh. Who else would it be?”

            Tsukishima stared at him, swallowing hard. That was almost the exact same thing that Yamaguchi had said to him in his dream. It scared him a little bit, but he was also talking to his dead best friend so he knew nothing should really scare him at this point.

            “How?” Tsukishima asked. “You died. I saw the body… I visited you at the cemetery. How are you here? You aren’t a ghost because… you picked up Tadashi.”

            “What?”

            Tsukishima held up the dinosaur.

            “Tadashi.”

            “You named a dinosaur after me?”

            “Shut up.” Tsukishima blushed. “You’re the one who picked dinosaurs that represented us anyways.”

            “You remember that?”

            “You remember it.”

            “True.”

            “But what’s going on?”

            “Well…”

            Yamaguchi sighed. He seemed to be struggling with this just as much as Tsukishima was, possibly even more.

            “Yams, what is it? You can talk to me.”

            “No, I know, I just… it’s hard.”

            “I know. I’m the one talking to my dead best friend.”

            Yamaguchi forced a smiled and looked down at the floor.

            “I’m dead, but I’m not.”

            “So you’re like a zombie?”

            “No, those are undead.”

            “How would you know? All that stuff scares you.”

            “Would you shut up and let me finish?”

            Tsukishima quieted down. It was unlike Yamaguchi to snap at someone, especially Tsukishima so he knew this was serious. He nodded and mumbled a small sorry then waited for his friend to continue.

            “I did die. I am dead.” Yamaguchi said. “But I’m also not. I came back. I’m completely human and I can do everything I did as a human. I can touch and hug and eat and sleep, I actually need to do all of that. I just… don’t have a heartbeat.”

            “How? Why?”

            “You know how in movies and stuff they say that a person can’t pass through to the other side unless they’re at peace?”

            Tsukishima nodded.

            “Apparently I wasn’t. I was told that I have some unfinished business here so I can’t be at rest until I get it done.”

            “What is it?”

            Yamaguchi shrugged.

            “I don’t know.”

            He was lying though. While he wasn’t one hundred percent sure what his business was, he was fairly certain it had to do with a particular dinosaur loving blonde that was currently right in front of him. He had a feeling he knew what is was he was supposed to do but he was also scared that if he finished it then he would go away again and he didn’t want that. He wanted to be able to be around for and with Tsukishima as long as he possibly could.

            “So if you’re human then can everyone see you?”

            “No, only people that I allow to see me.”

            “Who is that going to be?”

            “Probably just you. Maybe my mom.”

            “Don’t you think she’ll freak out?”

            “No more than you did.”

            “Hey…”

            “What? You freaked out pretty bad.”

            Tsukishima sighed. He knew that Yamaguchi was right, but could he blame him? He would have reacted the same way if the positions had been switched.

            “Can I… um…”

            Yamaguchi, guessing he knew what Tsukishima’s question was going to be, held his hand out towards him. Tsukishima took it and a shiver went through his body. His hand was cold. It was almost as if he had been holding a fistful of ice.

            “Why are you so cold?”

            “No heartbeat, no blood, no heat.”

            “How do you know all of this though? Do they tell you it when you die?”

            Yamaguchi shrugged.

            “I just do.”

            Tsukishima still didn’t understand any of this but for the time being he had his best friend back so he decided he wasn’t going to question anything.

            “So how long will you be around for?”

            “I don’t know.” Yamaguchi answered. “As long as it takes for me to get my work completed.”

            “Are you going to go to school or anything?”

            “I can’t. No one can see me.”

            “Oh yeah…”

            “I can go with you though if you want me to.”

            Tsukishima nodded.

            “I’ll just have to try and stay quiet because if people see you talking to nothing then they’ll think you’re insane.”

            “They already do.” Tsukishima scoffed. “All I heard today was people talking about me. I’m not even Tsukishima anymore; I’m just the tall, angry kid with the dead best friend.”

            “Ouch.”

            Tsukishima nodded.

            “I know it’s just been three days, but I missed you…”

            Yamaguchi smiled sighed and patted Tsukishima’s knee.

            “I know…”

            Tsukishima frowned slightly, a little disappointed that Yamaguchi didn’t say it back; but he guessed that since Yamaguchi was dead he wasn’t capable of feeling emotions during that time and so there wouldn’t have even been any way for him to miss him anyways. If he was honest, he wasn’t sure that any of this even made him feel better. His heart still ached and he just wanted his best friend to stay with him. He was terrified of what was going to happen whenever Yamaguchi completed his work. Tsukishima didn’t want to lose him again. He could barely handle it the first time and he wasn’t looking forward to all the heartache and the pain that he was going to have to suffer through whenever he lost Yamaguchi again.

            “I’m going to go home, okay?” Yamaguchi said.

            “Can you?”

            “Of course. I can go anywhere.” He smiled slightly. “I just wanted to come by and see you first…”

            “Thanks…”

            Yamaguchi nodded and stood up to leave.

            “Be safe.” Tsukishima said.

            “Oh, what’s the worst that could happen? I die?”

            Yamaguchi grinned but Tsukishima didn’t return it. He didn’t know what the worst that could happen was. He just wanted Yamaguchi to be safe and to return to him again in the morning.

            “Goodnight, Yamaguchi.”

            “Goodnight, Tsukki.”


	7. Next to Me

Tsukishima made his way to school Wednesday morning and was surprised to find Yamaguchi in their old meetup spot. He saw Tsukishima rounding the corner and a large grin spread across his freckled face.

            “Tsukki!”

            Tsukishima couldn’t help but smile. This was all still a lot for him to wrap his head around but he was trying. When it came down to it, Tsukishima was just glad to have Yamaguchi back; even if it wasn’t going to be for a long time.

            “How are you, Tsukki? Did you sleep well?”

            _Same old, Yama._ Tsukishima thought.

            “Okay.”

            It wasn’t a complete lie. He had slept well before he was woken up from his dream, but once he woke up and everything else happened he was unable to fall back asleep. It wasn’t that he wasn’t tired or was now excited because Yamaguchi was back but more because he was worried. He didn’t know how long Yamaguchi was going to be here and he was so scared to let his feelings show only to have everything come crashing down again once Yamaguchi had finished whatever it is he’s come back for.

            Even on the off chance that Yamaguchi never actually finished this thing, Tsukishima knew they could never actually be together. For the past three years that’s all he’s really wanted and that’s still all he really wants, but he knows it will never work because Yamaguchi technically isn’t even alive. He may still be human but he doesn’t have a heartbeat and this isn’t TV or the movies or a fictional story book, true love’s kiss is not a cure all and will not bring Yamaguchi back to life.

            “Hey Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said. “Do you think we could go get French fries after school?”

            Tsukishima started laughing and Yamaguchi stared at him, his head once again cocking to the side in confusion.

            “What’s so funny?”

            “Nothing.” Tsukishima smiled.

            Yamaguchi still stared at him, seemingly unconvinced.

            “If you say so.” He shrugged. “Can we though?”

            “How can I say no to you?”

            “You said no to me all the time!”

            “That was before you died.”

            They grew silent and Tsukishima was beginning to wonder if he had said the wrong thing when Yamaguchi spoke up again.

            “Hey Kei…”

            He spoke softly this time and Tsukishima knew from the use of his first name that Yamaguchi was a lot more serious than he had been before. Tsukishima quickly stopped walking and turned to face his friend.

            “Yes? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

            “You know the other day…”

            Yamaguchi trailed off, shifting his gaze down to the ground. He shuffled his feet slightly and swallowed hard.

            “When you were at my house and we were studying and then I asked you what you would do if you had twenty four hours to live… do you remember that?”

            Tsukishima nodded, curious as to where this conversation was going.

            “I…”

            “Never told me what you would do?”

            “No, well yes, but that’s not what I was going to say.”

            “What were you going to say then?”

            Yamaguchi frowned and tears filled his eyes.

            “I promise I didn’t do it. I promise it wasn’t my fault that I died. I know I’ve had problems with things before but I promise that I didn’t kill myself. I wasn’t asking because it was me saying goodbye or anything. It was all just a really fucked up coincidence.”

            Yamaguchi was sobbing now and Tsukishima felt like his heart was about to snap in two.

            “Yama, I didn’t think that it was…”

            “But you know what I did before and you know I had problems and I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t me or my fault because I was really happy with where I was at and I just—”

            Yamaguchi let out a choked sob and Tsukishima stepped forward and pulled him in, holding him close and hugging him tightly. Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around Tsukishima and cried into his chest. Tsukishima rubbed his back gently. His heart hurt so badly seeing Yamaguchi like this. It was bad enough when he previously had to deal with it but it hurt him even more now.

            Tsukishima loved Yamaguchi and he had always been there for him when he was upset. There were many nights where Yamaguchi would call him in tears and Tsukishima would stop what he was doing and walk to Yamaguchi’s house to talk to and comfort him. He never left until Yamaguchi stopped crying and assured him that he was and would be okay. Every time it happened Tsukishima made Yamaguchi to promise him that he would text him in the morning and every morning when he woke up he had a text from Yamaguchi assuring him that he was okay.

            Seeing that Yamaguchi was still hurting and so upset make his heart ache. He hurt even more knowing that Yamaguchi thought Tsukishima might actually believe that he had done this to himself. Tsukishima would never think that. He knew that Yamaguchi had been doing well and the thought of taking his own life hadn’t even crossed his mind in months.

            “It’s okay, Tadashi…” Tsukishima whispered. “I know you didn’t do it. It’s okay. I’m not upset or anything. It has been really hard without you but never once did the thought of you doing this to yourself ever cross my mind.”

            “Really?”

            “I promise.”

            Yamaguchi nodded slightly, his grip on Tsukishima tightening. After another moment he pulled away and looked up at Tsukishima. He gave a small smile and Tsukishima reached over to dry Yamaguchi’s eyes on the sleeve of his jacket.

            “Are you okay now?”

            Yamaguchi nodded.

            “I think so.”

            “Let’s get to school then.”

            They started walking again and Yamaguchi reached over and grabbed Tsukishima’s hand. Yamaguchi’s hand was still cold, but Tsukishima couldn’t deny that holding his hand just felt right. It felt as if their hands were made to fit together, to fit with each other’s. Yamaguchi squeezed Tsukishima’s hand gently, making the taller boy smile.

            “Hey Tsukki.”

            “Hmm?”

            “Do you think we’ll be friends forever?”

            At first Tsukishima thought this was a trick question, but when he looked at Yamaguchi and saw the hopeful look in his light brown eyes, he knew he was being serious.

            “I—” Tsukishima paused. “I’m fairly certain we will be.”

            Yamaguchi grinned, his eyes glistening.

            “How was it being back at home?”

            “It was okay. My mom was in my room last night and she was holding the picture from Halloween when we were kids. She cried a lot and I really wanted to be able to comfort her.”

            “Why didn’t you?”

            “I thought that if I let her see me then it would just make things harder for her later on when it comes time for me to leave again.”

            “And you didn’t think of that with me?”

            “No, I did.” Yamaguchi said. “But she also has my dad so she’ll be okay. I know that I was really all you’ve ever had.”

            Tsukishima started to protest then paused, realizing that Yamaguchi was right.

            “But also knowing that, how do you think I’m going to feel whenever you have to leave again?”

            “I guess I never really thought about that.” Yamaguchi frowned. “I’m sorry, Kei.”

            “It’s okay,” he said. “I’m glad that I get to see you.”

            Yamaguchi bounced back, his frown quickly turning into a smile.

            “It’s hard, you know?”

            “What? Being dead? No, I don’t know.”

            Yamaguchi giggled.

            “Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t.” he paused. “I’m sorry that I talk about death so much.”

            “It’s okay.”

            “Are you sure?”

            Tsukishima nodded.

            “Okay.”

            They got quiet again, walking down the sidewalk in silence. Tsukishima had so much he wanted to say yet still had no idea how to say it or if he even should.

            _Why should I tell Yamaguchi that I’m in love with him if he’s just going to have to leave me again?_ He thought. _All it’s going to do is making things harder on the both of us and it’s not like he can return the feelings anyways. We can’t be together so what’s the use of eve bothering? I did say that I wished I could have told him I loved him before he died but once he’s finished what he has to do then he’s going to pass through to the other side and die completely and I’ll never get to see him again. Why the fuck is all of this so hard? It’s not fair. I know that Sugawara-san said that only the good die young but why did it have to be Yamaguchi? Why did **my** Yams have to be the one to go? Stupid fucking universe, taking the only person I care about away. It’s all bullshit._

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi asked, tearing him away from his thoughts.

            “Yeah?”

            “Are you okay?”

            Tsukishima stayed quiet for a moment. He wasn’t not okay, but he wouldn’t say he was okay either.

            “I guess.”

            “You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?”

            “I always do.”

            Yamaguchi smiled, squeezing Tsukishima’s hand tighter as they walked through the school gates. Tsukishima glanced at him, his chest tightening. The sun was shining around Yamaguchi and it almost looked like he was wearing a halo.

            “Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima said. “Promise you’ll always be next to me?”

            He looked at Tsukishima and smiled.

            “I promise.”


	8. Talk About It

Tsukishima sat on his bed quietly. Yamaguchi had left to go somewhere, choosing not to tell Tsukishima where and he didn’t bother to ask.  He figured he needed to work on letting him go without questions seeing as Yamaguchi would have to leave him again soon. Neither of them knew how soon “soon” actually was and Tsukishima was scared to find out. Loosing Yamaguchi was hard enough to the first time; he didn’t want to lose him a second.

            “Kei…”

            Mrs. Tsukishima knocked on his door and then opened it. He looked up at her and she managed a small smile.

            “Hey mom.” He said softly.

            “How are you holding up, honey?”

            He shrugged.

            “As well as I can be, I guess.”

            He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t exactly tell his mother that his best friend was a ghost and he can see him. She never believed in anything like that and she knew he never did either. If he told her what was going on then she would send him to see a psychiatrist who would only try to medicate him or tell him he was making it up as a way to cope for the sudden loss of his best friend.

            “You miss him, don’t you?”

            “Yeah…”

            He wasn’t lying there. He might be able to see Yamaguchi and he may actually be able to touch him, but it isn’t the same as it was before. He wanted to be able to hold Yamaguchi’s hand and be able to feel the warmth from his fingers. He wanted to be able to curl up next to Yamaguchi and sleep and wake up with him still in his arms.

            “Do you want to see someone about it?”

            “No.”

            “Are you sure?” she asked. “It was a sudden death and Tadashi was your best friend.”

            “He still is, mom.”

            “Sweetie—”

            “No. He might have passed away but that doesn’t change anything. If I died then I would still be your son! Yamaguchi is still my best friend.”

            “If you died? Kei, are you feeling suicidal?”

            “No!” he cried. “You just said was-everyone says was! It’s not was. It’s is. He still is my best friend. If I died then you wouldn’t say ‘Kei was my son’ I would just be your late son just like people also say ‘late husband’ or ‘late wife’ Yamaguchi is still my best friend.”

            Mrs. Tsukishima sighed softly.

            “Are you sure you don’t need to see anyone?”

            “Positive.”

            Tsukishima had hoped his mom would actually be nice about this, but she was just stressing him out. Yamaguchi was, is, and will always be his best friend. It upset him that she thought he was doing so badly about it to the point where if he even mentions death then she automatically assumed he wants to die as well.

            He didn’t care about many people, but Mrs. Yamaguchi had always been like a second mother to him and he loved both her and Mr. Yamaguchi always just as much as he loved his own parents. They made him feel welcome and at home and he knew he could always go to them if he had an issue that he couldn’t go to his own parent’s with.

            If he died then he would hurt her again, making her feel like she lost another son. Tadashi had been her only child so he was as close to a son as she had now. He would hate to make her go through the same pain she was going through now all over again.

            “Kei.”

            “What?”

            “If you’re struggling then we can get you some help. We can find someone who you can see. There are plenty of grief counselors in Tokyo, you can go and see one of them until you feel better.”

            “I’m fine, mom.”

            “Kei, honey, it’s okay if you’re hurting. That’s normal. It’s perfectly acceptable for people to hurt when someone they care about dies. It’s more worrying if they don’t care.”

            “Stop!” Tsukishima cried. “I never said that I didn’t care. I do care! Obviously I fucking care! He is my best friend. I love him more than anyone else! I can deal with this on my own though. I don’t need some shrink tell me that ‘it’s okay to be sad’ and asking ‘how do you feel today’ and ‘are you eating’ or ‘do you feel depressed’ or ‘does Yamaguchi’s death make you want to kill yourself since he was all you had to begin with’ I am fine. I can deal with everything on my own. I don’t need help from you or dad or Akiteru or anyone. Stop making me seem like a bad person because I don’t want to talk about how I feel. You wouldn’t want to talk if you’re best friend died either so please just leave me alone.”

            “Kei, we’re all just worried about you.”

            “Well don’t be.”

            “If I need someone to talk to then I’ll go to Mrs. Yamaguchi because she’ll need someone too.”

            “You know you can talk to your father and me too though, right?”

            “Yes, mom. I know.”

            “Good.”

            She stood up and walked to his door again.

            “Dinner will be ready soon, okay?”

            “Whatever.”

            Mrs. Tsukishima sighed softly and left the room, leaving Tsukishima alone again. He laid back down on his bed and closed his eyes. He felt bad for getting so upset and for yelling at his mother, but everything she said was only making him feel worse about the situation. He could still see and be with Yamaguchi so he was doing okay. If he needed to talk to someone then he still had his best friend. Tsukishima was about to get up and shower when he opened his eyes and found Yamaguchi sitting on the foot of his bed. He jumped, making Yamaguchi giggle.

            “You okay?”

            “My mom just stressed me out. You?”

            “What happened? Do you need anything?”

            “I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

            “Okay, what do you want to do?”

            “Lay with you.”

            Yamaguchi smiled.

            “We can always do that.”


End file.
